


Elsa? It's Me. Anna.

by Darksidechick



Series: The Ulterior Motives AU [3]
Category: Frozen (Disney Movies)
Genre: Anna POV, F/M, Grieving, Mentions of Character Death, Mourning, Tragedy, one-sided sisterly chats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-25 02:42:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22008661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darksidechick/pseuds/Darksidechick
Summary: It's the winter solstice, and Anna finds herself mourning Elsa all over again.
Relationships: Anna/Hans (Disney)
Series: The Ulterior Motives AU [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1571425
Comments: 6
Kudos: 32





	Elsa? It's Me. Anna.

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off a tumblr post I made for the "Hansanna for the Holidays" fandom event about a Hansanna first Christmas. Unlike most pieces in this darker AU, this one is in Anna's POV. 
> 
> Handing out the tissues here cuz you might need them. Just sayin'.

When the clock chimed softly at the six-o-clock hour, Anna groaned and threw her arm over her eyes. She had never spent a more sleepless night.

She went to bed determined to spend the entire night alone. She felt that the solitude would give her the chance to mentally prepare her for what she would be doing the following day. Instead, the loneliness made her even more miserable.

It all started earlier in the day when she overheard Kai and Gerda in the corridor. They were discussing the winter solstice, and that’s when Anna’s world came crashing to a halt. Suddenly the immediate joys of Christmas and the holiday season no longer mattered. The aches, the deep hole in her heart that she thought had patched itself over in the last few months began to throb all over again. It felt as if she was back in July, donned head to toe in mournful black, spending almost all hours of the day in an empty, abandoned bedroom adorned with snowflake rosemaling.

And Hans, she couldn’t bear look at him. Speak to him. For he was the reason for her misery. Then _and_ now.

 _It wasn’t his fault…_ She knew. Had her loving fiancé done nothing, she would be dead—a lifeless statue of ice. And Arendelle would be lost to an eternal winter.

But knowing, acknowledging that he saved her, and the kingdom didn’t make her pain go away.

And so, she felt most vulnerable alone in her room at night. Especially tonight. To lessen the pain, she did the one thing she swore she wouldn’t do. She went to Hans, just as she did every night. Only instead of cuddling into his side and sharing his warmth, she slipped quietly into the bed and stayed on her side. The only way he would have known she was there was if he rolled over enough to squish her.

Which he didn’t. And if he felt her climb in, he didn’t let on.

Sharing a room didn’t help her as much as she thought. For most of the night, she found herself laying awake and staring at the ceiling. If the fireplace gave off more light, she would have counted the wooden boards of the ceiling. Instead, she ended up keeping track of how many times her fiancé shifted in his sleep.

Twelve.

_Did he always do this? Or is it because I’m not smothering him?_

Shifting slightly, she removed the arm covering her face. The room was still dark, the fire having gone out hours before, and the sun had yet to peek over the horizon. But she could still make out Hans’ form, his chest rising and falling with every breath. His head was turned away from her, but she could still make out how tussled his hair was from his tossing and turning. If today was any normal morning, she wouldn’t hesitate to scooch over and run gentle fingers through his hair, shift his bangs away from his eyes. She would stare adoringly at his handsome face and smile as he innocently dreamed on.

But today was far from normal for her. It only reminded her that Hans wasn’t as innocent and perfect as she wanted him to be. Her gaze shifted slightly to the pillows behind his head. One of his hands was draped on them, his palm open. Every so often, his fingers would flex. She liked his hands. They were large. Strong. Protective. But this morning, she could only see them as if they were covered in blood.

Anna didn’t realize how long she was staring until the clock chimed again thirty minutes later. She didn’t want to be here when he woke up. Before she had the chance to move, however, he rolled onto his side towards her, and his legs spread out and bumped into hers.

 _No, no, no!_ She internally panicked. _Please don’t wake up._ Her eyes widened further when his arms stretched out, too. One bumped into the headboard and knocked a strategically placed mistletoe askew. That certainly made her slide out from under the bedding faster. The only thing that could be worse than Hans waking up was him awake and wanting to initiate some romance with them both under the mistletoe. There would be no kisses today. No snuggling under warm blankets. No affections. And they very idea of denying him love brought her on the verge of tears, and she fled from the room before giving him another opportunity to waken.

* * *

“Are you sure you’ll be alright?” Hans asked her as he helped her into her cloak. “I could come along—”

“—no!” Anna said abruptly, and she sighed as she shook her head. She had hoped to avoid Hans altogether, but ended up bumping into him in the corridor just beyond her bedroom. That turned into getting an escort down to the great hall. “I… I need to do this on my own.”

“Very well.” His hand gently took hers, “How long will you be gone?”

“A while,” was all she really wanted to divulge. _For as long as I can manage it is more like it._

He gave a small nod with a hopeful look across his features, “will you still come to me tonight?”

She sighed again. _Why did he have to ask that?_ “I don’t think so.” No doubt, this night would end up just like the previous one. Only this time, she was determined to stay in her room.

“Well then,” he eventually replied when it seemed he wouldn’t get any elaboration, “I suppose I’ll catch you later. Or tomorrow.”

He leaned down to kiss her then and she immediately recoiled back, turning her head away from him. She didn’t dare look at him until after he straightened back up and instantly, she regretted it. The mixture of hurt and confusion on his face pulled at her heart.

 _It’s not his fault_ , she had to remind herself yet again. _It wasn’t vengeance. He was left with no choice. No choice…_.

“What is this?” He asked, and it sounded like he was trying to keep the edge off his voice. “You avoided me most of yesterday, you didn’t join me last night—”

_Well, I did. You just didn’t notice…_

“—and now you won’t let me kiss you.”

Her lips pressed together as her eyes searched his. His grip on her hand also tightened considerably.

“I thought we were in a good place, you and I.” He continued, his eyes narrowing, “at least it seemed so lately. And the holidays only seemed to draw us closer. So why the hell do you suddenly hate me?”

She could only sigh as she shook her head, “I don’t hate you, Hans. I could never hate you.” Her free hand reluctantly moved to flick at his bangs. “It’s just…” she paused and tried to come up with the right things to say, “it’s just a really painful time for me—”

“—and you blame _me_.” He finished for her. “For what I’ve done. Anna, I thought we were past this.”

“I…” she swallowed and spoke quietly, “I don’t blame you. I know you only did what you had to do. For me. For the kingdom. But it doesn’t change the outcome of what happened. There’s a hole in my heart where she should be. It wasn’t your doing. It’s been there for most of my life. I’m….” she sighed sadly, “I’m just hoping to heal it somehow. It hurts too much. Please understand….”

As she observed him, she wasn’t sure if he was satisfied with that answer. It was the best she could offer. Finally, he nodded, and she let out the breath she didn’t know she was holding in. His head dipped down again towards hers but caught himself before he got too close. He remembered her reaction the first time. Instead, he brought their joined hands up and placed a long tender kiss to the back of hers. There was no alluring eye contact. Just a kiss.

“Until tomorrow,” he finally said before releasing her. Without letting her get another word in, he turned on his heel and stalked back up the grand staircase.

Anna watched him go with a frown. She hated seeing him upset, but there wasn’t anything to be done about it now. Perhaps after she returned, she’d pay him a visit to cheer him up.

Or… so _he_ could cheer _her_ up.

The clocktower chimed for midday, and Anna reached down to grab the picnic basket sitting at her feet. Without looking back, she stepped through the main doors to the castle.

The air was colder than she anticipated it being, but not to the point of unbearable. The morning sun had long gone in, hidden by a line of greyish clouds. A new front was moving through. Hopefully the weather would hold out long enough for her to complete her task and return home.

She made her way through the courtyard towards a side exit and followed the cobblestone path until she arrived at an open field—the royal burial grounds. All around there was an array of different sized monuments and stones, marking the resting places of her family ancestors and long-gone rulers of Arendelle. She moved past all of these, heading for a small hill furthest from the castle. There were only three markers here—two of them tall and identical, and she stopped before these, standing between them and reading the inscribed names.

_Angarr, King of Arendelle_

_Iduna, Queen of Arendelle_

Anna knelt before the memorials and opened her basket. She pulled out two small floral bunches and placed one each against the stones.

“Mama. Papa…. I know it’s been a long time. I hope you’re at peace, wherever you are.” She said softly. “Not a day goes by that I don’t miss you.” She pressed a palm to each stone and closed her eyes, muttering a quiet prayer to herself, and to her lost parents.

Her lips quivered by the time she was done, and her fingers moved to wipe a stray tear threatening to fall.

 _That was the easy part…_ she thought to herself. Taking a deep breath, she got back to her feet and retrieved her basket. Further on ahead was the third grave marker, and that one was her true destination. This stone was much smaller than the ones for her parents. It was squared off and came up just over two feet high off the ground. Anna dropped to her knees in front of it and ran her fingers delicately over the edges. There were small rosemaling patterns engraved into the stone corners, and her breath hitched as her eyes traveled from the decoration to the runic inscription.

_Elsa, Queen of Arendelle_

It was the description she insisted on. Elsa may never have ruled the kingdom, but she was still crowned. She still prepared all her life for that moment, and she deserved to have it on her memorial. A stream of emotions hit her all at once and she struggled to maintain her composure. She had only visited this spot once before, for the funeral, and Hans was by her side. He was her support. Today she had to be strong on her own.

“E-Elsa?” She asked softly, “I-it’s me. Anna.”

There was a brief pause before she let out a nervous, awkward laugh, “I mean, of course it’s me. Who else would think to come here?” She instantly covered her mouth as soon as the words left her. That came out a lot worse than she intended. “I-I mean, as family! I-it’s just me.”

_Pull yourself together, Anna…._

“Um, it’s been a really long time. Like… a _long_ , long time. I’m a terrible sister. I know I am. I should have been here sooner. But… the last several months have been really hard.” Anna frowned. “Anyway, I’m here now. That’s what matters, right? I had to come see you. Today’s the winter solstice. Y’know… _your birthday._ So here I am… spending your special day with you. The only way I can at this point….”

She opened the basket and pulled out a wrapped sandwich. “I hope you don’t mind me eating lunch here. This was supposed to be an all-day venture, but I got a late start.” She took a bite, “You’d be proud of me for one thing, though. I was out of bed before seven this morning. Not sure if you knew this, but I’m kind of a late riser. I bet you were an early bird. It seems like it’d be more your style.” She swallowed and sighed, “I bet there’s a lot about each other we really don’t know. A-and I’ll never get the chance to learn about you. But I can still come and tell you all about me, and how things are going. That’s still fair, right?”

Anna finished the rest of her sandwich quickly and pulled two chocolate truffles out next. “I know from the party that you like chocolate—maybe even as much as I do! So, I’m gonna eat this second one for you.”

She shifted her posture on the grass to get more comfortable after finishing her lunch and began with a recap of how Arendelle was faring, from mundane day-to-day chores to some more lively events held in the more recent autumn months.

“…it’s Christmastime now, as I’m sure you figured out.” Anna continued, “and I wanted to do something special for the kingdom since it’s the first Christmas with the gates open and all. We dug out that big ol’ Yule Bell after thirteen years in storage, and oh-my-gosh, that thing was so dusty! I think I was sneezing for hours!” She smiled fondly and ran her hands along the ground, her fingers fiddling with random blades of grass. “Anyway, it was a big hit with everyone. After the bell rang, there was a reception in the ballroom, and we got to learn about some interesting traditions of our own citizens. It was great fun, and it got us in the mood to decorate the castle.”

Her hand went up to scratch her cheek, “Oh! You’re probably wondering who the ‘we’ is. I mean me. Me and Hans.” Anna scooted closer to the grave marker. “I… I wish you would have given him a chance—given _yourself_ the chance to know him. He really is wonderful. The advisors like him. The people like him. And well. I _obviously_ like him. Hans is strong, handsome, gentlemanly…” she glanced back towards the castle briefly, “He’s been incredible at getting me through everything. I’d be so lost without him. A-And he’s taken real good care of me.”

A blush formed across her cheeks as she leaned forward some more to share a deep little secret. The initial waves of anxiety had passed, for now, and she was starting to feel as if it were really Elsa sitting across from her. “We do almost everything together. I mean, he mostly takes charge of kingdom matters. He says I should spend time among the people, get to know them after being absent almost my entire life—at least until I’m ready to learn about really ruling a kingdom. A-and I’m okay with that. I’m not ready to be a queen. But still… we eat together, spend evenings reading together….” She couldn’t help but giggle. “We even sleep together. Don’t tell Papa! It’s not what you’re thinking! There’re certain things we _don’t_ do, I promise! We can’t, not until we’re married. And really, all we do is snuggle. I think he’s really one of those big cuddly types that doesn’t like to let on that they are. But he’s always warm. I wouldn’t be able to sleep without his arms around me. He makes me feel safe. And loved. He’s… he’s all I have left. And I’m so tired of being alone.”

“It’s funny,” she mused softly, more to herself than to her sister, “I was so scared…so anxious about all of this, and now that I’m here, I can’t bring myself to leave.” Her fingers drummed on her skirt and she shifted on the grass again, wondering what else she could talk about.

“While Hans and I were searching the attics, we stumbled across some old trunks from our childhoods. He got a good laugh out of what was in mine, pulling out all these dress-up costumes and toys. I even modeled some pieces for him. Some dragon-feet mittens and this goofy pointy hat I called a Viking helmet. And that wasn’t all! I found your trunk, too.” She continued, though the merry tone in her voice soon disappeared. And she reached into the basket to pull out a wooden box. “I hope you don’t mind that I went rummaging through your things. I mean, it’s not like they’ll be touched by anyone else….” Her voice trailed off when a sudden gust of wind hit her.

_Yeesh, it’s getting frigid out here._

“You had this cute little penguin in there.” Anna said as she huddled herself as small as she could get under her cloak. “Did he have a name? I bed he did. Something posh and regal? Like… like ‘Sir Flipperbeak…” a short giggle managed to escape her, “well, maybe you wouldn’t name him something _that_ silly. But I can. I mean, may I? Do you mind? He looked really worn. You must’ve played with him a lot. I hope you don’t mind… I took him. He sits on my vanity now, so every morning, I see a little something that was special to you.”

She was trembling now and wasn’t entirely sure if it was because of the cold air or from her emotions getting the better of her. Her hands shook as she held out the wooden box. “I found these, too. Remember all those little drawings and cards I made each year for Christmas? I mean, of course you do. I had no idea you kept them all. Seeing these… they really broke my heart. They reminded me that in losing you, I lost something—no, _someone_ else, too. Her fingers pried the box open and pulled out a little snowman figurine made from yarn.

“O-Olaf is gone, too.” Anna bit her lip. “He represented out bond as kids, way back when we did everything together. He was a symbol of our love, and when you brought him to life? He became one of my best friends, even if I only knew him for a few days. It truly felt like a lifetime. But… without your magic… he…” she couldn’t bring herself to finish the sentence, and one of her hands came out from under the cloak to wipe her eyes. It was getting harder to keep her tears from falling.

“How is he?” Anna asked, glancing up towards the sky briefly. “I know wherever you are, he’s there with you. After all, he spent his life with me. It’s only fair that his spirit keeps you company. If he’s with you now? Tell him I miss him. And I love him.” She slipped the snowman back into the box and laid it gently against the stone marker. “I want these to s-stay here. They belong here. They belong with you.”

Shaking fingers traced along the edges of the tombstone while Anna’s eyes fixated on her sister’s name and date markers. It hit her all at once that almost half a year had really gone by. Half a year since she laid eyes on Elsa. Her beautiful, elder sister, and the last image she could recall was the face of fear as she was being thrown from the palace of ice—a structure that also no longer existed. Every magical trace of Elsa’s was gone, from the palace, to Olaf, to the narrow streak of white that forever resided in her hair. After suffering the last freeze, she deduced that it was no troll kiss or a mark of birth. It came from Elsa, someway, somehow. A small part of her wished she still had it. Regardless how it came to be, it was a part of her sister she could easily hold onto. Instead, in a matter of days, it was all gone. She was even robbed of the chance to see Elsa’s face one last time at the funeral. Hans insisted on a closed casket, citing the state of the late queen being too gruesome for her to face. Her last farewell was to a closed box.

_At least you had a casket for me to bury. That’s more than I had for our parents—oh god…_

Anna lurched forward into a fit of sobs as everything she tried to suppress came to the surface. It felt like her parents’ memorial service all over again, and she was forced to grieve alone. Bear the brunt of full mourning alone. This time was no different. Elsa was her only family. There was no one left to love her as she did.

“Oh Elsa!” She cried out loud as her fingers dug deep into the ground. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to cause all of this. All I wanted for us was to be sisters… to have the gates opened and for us to be free.” She wiped her nose with her sleeve, “I was so excited to meet new people, and H-Hans… he was just so perfect… like the angel to my prayers—

\--What would have happened? If I spoke to you aside like you wanted? If we didn’t argue? Would it have even mattered?? Would you have said no anyway? Was it all because of Hans? Or your magic??”

Anna forced herself into a sitting position and threw her arms around the tombstone. It was an uncomfortable posture, but she didn’t care. This was the closest she’d get to hugging her sister.

“I wish I knew what happened all those years ago.” She said through her sobs. “Why you had to hide yourself away—hide who you truly were. I would have loved you all the same! I would have loved to see your magic! Imagine all the snowmen we could have built! Indoor ice rinks! We could have brought Olaf to life _years_ ago and shared his company all our lives!”

“Oh Elsa, why did you fear your magic so? It was wonderous! It was beautiful! It was special. It made **_you_** special!” She sniffled, “I never feared you. Despite everything and everyone else, I tried to fight for you. But I wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t save me… and I couldn’t even save you.”

Another round of tears came, and she didn’t bother wiping them away. They ran down her cheeks and dripped down on the top of the grave marker. “I waited for you for so long. For thirteen years I waited for the door to open. For you to spend time with me. For us to bond like sisters should. And the gates finally opened, and I was filled with so much hope for us, and in a three-day-span, I saw you for only hours! And… and majority of that you spent running away from me. Was it really your magic? Or was it something I did? If it was all me, I’m so terribly sorry! Because now, finally, the door is open. But what good is it? The room is empty. Thanks to me, it will always be empty. And I’ll end up carrying that with me for the rest of my life.”

Her arms moved to the top of the stone and she buried her face in them as the wind picked up again. “A-At least I have the small consolation knowing you’re no longer afraid. Your magic no longer controls you. You’re forever at peace, now, and with Mama and Papa again. You have our family now… and now I’m the one isolated. The roles have reversed.” She sighed heavily, “I should be thankful for the time we did spend together… and the joy you _did_ bring. Someday… I will be, when your absence hurts less. When the hole in my heart starts to mend. It’s a hole only you can fill. All it ever needed was the love of my sister. B-but you’re gone, and I don’t know how to move on. To make the pain truly go away.” Her voice lowered to a whisper, “I wish…. I wish you could give me a sign. A sign that you’re still here….”

_But that’s impossible._

Anna wasn’t sure how long she sat there clutching the tombstone, but as she sobbed quietly, she suddenly noticed something small and cold hit her cheek. And then another one hit. And another. She lifted her head up and glanced around. It had gotten a lot darker out, and the weather was starting to take a turn for the worse. But as she wiped her face with her sleeve, she couldn’t bring herself to leave. Instead, she watched as little flakes fluttered down from the sky.

“It’s snowing, Elsa.” She sniffled and held out her hand to catch a few in her palm. A rather large one floated down right in front of her face and landed on her sleeve and then melted into her clothes. A few more large ones landed in her palm and she gasped. They looked identical, but that couldn’t be. No two snowflakes were ever the same. Anna brought her hand closer to her face and her eyes went wide. Not only did these flakes look the same, but the looked _familiar_. Like the pattern that formed on her skin when she slowly froze to death. Like the pattern on her sister’s magically created dress. Like the large snowflake in the floor of the ice palace.

_This… this is..._

Anna quickly looked around her. Snow landing everywhere else looked normal. They landed and melted like normal. But the ones in her palm and new ones landing on her cloak were different. They lingered. And the ones that landed on the grave marker also shared that special design. They remained intact, too.

Was this the sign she was hoping for? It had to be. And while she let out a whine when the snowflakes did eventually melt into droplets of water, she couldn’t help but feel a new sense of warmth inside.

Elsa was sending her a message. She wasn’t truly gone.

The tears that fell now weren’t of sorrow. For the first time in a long time, they were joyful, because it meant the hole in her heart wouldn’t ache forever.

Clasping her hands to her chest, Anna closed her eyes and smiled up at the sky.

_I love you too, Elsa. And thank you._


End file.
